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By Rebecca Chambers
Cries from the monitor woke me from my shallow sleep.
“Please, please, PLEASE, go back to sleep.” I willed my daughter back to sleep from the next room.
Moments pass. It was quiet again. My body relaxed into the covers.
“Mama.”
The word came through clearly on the monitor.
“This isn’t happening.” My cell phone read 5:10 a.m.—20 minutes before my alarm was supposed to wake me. Sleep, sleep, sleep. It’s all I can think about as I force myself out of my warm bed into the dark, cold house.
I could hear her stirring in her crib, mumbling and soft crying, waiting to be rescued from the darkness.
I made my way to the quiet kitchen to heat a bottle of milk. I rubbed my eyes.
With the bottle in my hand, I gently opened the door to my daughter’s room.
“Mama! Mama!” my daughter cried, as she struggled to find her footing. She grabbed her bottle from my hand, plopped it in her mouth and reached up to me with one arm. Her eyes shut contently.
These are my first few moments of most mornings, as I get myself ready for a long day as a college student at the University of Washington Tacoma, and my daughter ready for her day at preschool.
I am a 25-year-old mother, college student and barista, among many other things. My role as a college student presents many challenges and hardships. I, like many other students at UWT, balance the daily struggles of parenthood and academic life.
Looking back on my earlier years of college, I realize how simple it used to be. I could wake up an hour before class began, throw on an outfit and some makeup, grab a latte on my way in, and make it to class early. Now, I have to wake up three hours earlier to make sure that I can get myself dressed, fed and packed for class before my daughter wakes up.
It’s always difficult when she wakes up earlier than planned, not only because I have to get up before I wanted to, but since my husband is already at work, I have to tote my daughter into the bathroom while I take a shower and do my makeup and hair. She usually plays and mimics my routine to entertain herself.
On the less-than perfect mornings, she is cranky and demands my full attention. This makes an hour long routine into a three hour long event. That’s why even if she doesn’t wake up early, I still have to plan for it, or I would never make it to class on time.
The most difficult aspect of being a mother and a college student is making sure that I don’t neglect my responsibilities in either role. It is easy for mothers to feel guilty when they have other obligations outside of their home, and I am no exception. Whether it’s when I’m dropping my daughter off at daycare, or whether I’m sitting in class, or studying for a test, I feel conflicted. I know that my college education is important for my future, as well as my daughter’s, and that’s why I’m going to school. Yet, I can’t help but think that I should be at home with my daughter, playing with her and being there for her.
During midterm exam time, it becomes more difficult to manage my time between studying and my daughter. For example, I had to finish a research paper for midterms and I was going to make the final revisions two nights before its due date, after I put my daughter to bed. This particular night, I was already an hour late putting her to bed, so I figured that she would have no problem going to sleep. We went through our normal bedtime routine and she seemed to be sleepy, so I put her to bed. Yet, she refused to go to sleep and wanted to stay up to play with me. She thought it was hilarious, but all I could think about was how I had to finish my paper. Two hours later, she finally went to sleep. By this time, I was exhausted and didn’t want to work on the paper, so I went to bed. I finished it the next day and turned it in on time. It is circumstances like this that illustrate why I have to manage my time carefully. I never know when my daughter will have a night like this. I can’t put anything off until the last minute because I usually don’t have any last minutes.
I’ve learned to carefully balance my two worlds of motherhood and college. It’s not always perfect, but I know that I’m better in both roles because both require a passion, commitment and strength. I think that I am a better mother because I am a college student. And I think that I am a better student because I am a mother. Being a mother and a college student is rewarding, even during the sleepless nights, feelings of guilt and hours of studying.
It’s just beginning to get dark outside. I recall the day in my mind and make a mental checklist of the things I accomplished and the things that still had to be done.
I put my nose to the side of my daughter’s soft blonde curls and inhale slowly. The scent of her lavender bath floats from her milky white skin.
The two of us cuddle in the white wooden rocking chair, rocking slowly in the still of the evening. I wait until her blue eyes become a heavy burden. I kiss her softly as I lie her down in her crib. She is surrounded by her best, stuffed friends. Quietly, I close her bedroom door behind me and pray for her restful sleep.
These are the last precious moments of every night that I spend with my little girl. It is in these moments that I forget about all the terrible things going on in the world. It is when I am most at peace with myself and when I am most confident about the decision of being both a mother and a college student.